I don't mean to be critical because truly, I love Edward, the vampire, like most women do. Not quite as much as my sister does, but her husband's name is Edward so for her fantasy and reality are all kind of all mixed up. But I would be the most devoted fan that Stephanie Myer could ever hope for if she could just make one small change in the Twilight Series: instead of sucking blood, Edward the vampire ingests fat cells from his victims. Seriously, although it is never mentioned that she needs it, Bella and every other woman on the planet we call Earth would love him so much more.
Please don't think I am critical. I am sure that Sister Myer is a gifted writer. Maybe she was just overly concerned about reaching the largest audience possible. I mean every woman has blood, right? I wouldn't want her to lose the support of skinny women who wouldn't have bonded with Bella if she was fat. But the ultimate fantasy book would have you fall in love with not only the most handsome and caring of men, like Edward, but a man who left you even better off than he found you, a man who made you even more beautiful after his understandably-selfish-draining of your body. After all, how a woman successfully loses weight is the most amazing secret that all of her friends and acquaintances try to unveil. A whole new level of intrigue would be created as other characters in the story attempted to solve the mystery of Bella's new phat (pretty hot and tempting) body.
Come to think of it, I don't remember chocolate being a big part of the story. What fantasy story has reached its full capacity with a chocolate-free story line?! If Edward periodically lipo-ed Bella's fat cells she could enjoy a whole new guilt-free appreciation of unquanified amounts of high-calorie desserts. As my friend pointed out to me today desserts is "stressed" spelled backwards. Imagine a story line where Bella has highly reduced amounts of stress and highly increased amounts of chocolate consumption. I don't even know if women in our society are prepared for the kind of thrilling fantasy that this kind of story-line would offer.
"Lying in bed, after consuming her third serving of chocolate mousse, Bella drifted into a restless and troubled sleep. She was awakened by the kiss of the Summer breeze from her open window. Strains of a hauntingly beautiful melody flowed through her mind, keeping her from retrieving the full-clarity of consciousness. Lulled by music and comforted by the chocolate haze, she slowly became aware of him, reclining on the mattress beside her. Slowly, she opened her eyes, and her vision was filled with his beauty. How he could want her, in her state of ultimate weakness, she couldn't know. But when he left, they would both be satisfied. He, because her greatest weakness made him strong. And she, because submission meant that she too, would have been transfigured into unqualified perfection..."
Sigh...it is time to make dinner for my ungrateful family. I can't eat because my weigh-in is at the end of the week. The closest thing I have in the pantry to Bella's dessert is chocolate pudding, the kind you have to stir and stir and stir while it cooks. The haunting music in my house is my twelve-year-old practicing the clarinet and if I tried to fall asleep with my bedroom window open I'm pretty sure the snow predicted for later this evening would blow in.
But I know what I am going to dream of tonight, after falling asleep much too late and anticipating the blaring rock music that acts as the alarm to pull me out of tomorrow morning's warm bed. I am going to dream of Edward, my Edward. And of his beautiful face as he thanks me for sustaining his life with my compassionate donation. Wish me luck as I stumble into the bathroom, turn on the light, and catch the full vision of my true physique.
Don't feel too sorry for me, though. There will always be tomorrow night. And another chance to dream of the time I spend with Fantasy Edward, the fat-sucking vampire.
Laugh, if you want. Someday I will write a novel...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
My Children Exceed Me In Every Way
I did a lot of babysitting growing up so I don't think much about my children has surprised me. Tracy, on the other hand, was babysat by the television and--if we are honest here--didn't get a lot of significant information about children while watching Ozzie and Harriet Nelson or Mike and Carol Brady raise theirs. So one of the things Tracy has repeated to other adults over the years has been "My children exceed me in every way!"
I didn't have a problem turning 40 a few years ago...unless you note that for several days after my birthday I was still typing in the age 39 on the eliptical machine at the gym. But when my oldest child turned 20-years-old earlier in the month I missed a few heartbeats because of stress. How can she be two decades old?! Have I taught her enough? Is she really ready for the big, bad world? Then I started thinking about my oldest son, moving more than 250 miles away from home at the end of the Summer. He will have one year away at school and then be leaving for his mission. Is he ready? Can he cope?
And this is what I decided. My children are going to be ready enough. This is why:
The Top Ten Reasons Why The Beck Kid's Are Ready for Take-Off
10. They know how to communicate with others.
Our kids don't have as much life experience as Tracy and I do, but they are, and always have been, our social equals. I could count on one hand the times one of us has shouted, "Because I told you to....!" One of my children pointed out to me a few weeks ago in the car, "I really don't think you showed me respect this morning when you said... (episode details withheld, out of respect for privacy) It was wonderful to hear. I apologized, agreed, and rephrased my request.
We have purposely tried to discipline our children with kindness and firmness at the same time. It has created some wonderful things.
8. Our kids know that their opinion matters
We believe strongly in family council. Seems like it was a pretty big deal in the premortal family model and my kids have truly come to know that problems are solved as a family unit. To be perfectly honest, the solutions that the children have come up with in this family are so much more creative, effective and meaningful than ideas that their parents offered. Even when they were very young their solutions to problems left us amazed.
7. We have tried to teach problem-solving skills
My favorite experience is when, in the middle of a conflict, one of my family turns to me and says "Stop reflective listening!!!" For the most part, these kids know how to listen...how to show someone else that they want to understand what they are saying. And then to watch things cool down to a place where they are brain-storming possible solutions to a problem. The only time this kind of thing has gotten me into trouble was when one of my grade-schoolers would turn to me, furious, and yell "Don't use that parenting skills stuff on me!" I learned to not preface things by saying "In class we teach parents..."
6. I have internalized and used an understanding of the Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Behavior.
Once I was taught that children want love and attention from their parents but will misbehave to get it; finding out that children and parents get stuck competing for power; being clear about children acting out in revenge; and occasionally witnessing assumed disability--when a child completely shuts down--I could focus on what our children were really looking for and find ways to change their inappropriate behaviors. Seriously, if I had never known about these things I would have often assumed that my children hated me or at least wanted to hurt me.
5. We understand something about "social interest"
As explained by Alfred Adler, a psychologist from the 1800s, children want to belong and are motivated into action by that strong desire. It explains why kids join gangs, why they fall with peer pressure, why they want to please. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. What an amazing thing for me to learn. Made it really clear to me why positive discipline was a better idea than punishment.
4. Encouragement is the most effective tool of all.
We have two choices: to strip our kids of courage (discouragement) or to fill them up with courage (encouragement). I think it has been enough years that our kids kind of do this automatically. That is, if they can avoid the Beck sarcasm. Did this come from the Nelsons or Bradys? Actually I think it was the Partridge Family!! Unfortunately that is an automatic response for them, but when the chips are down and people are really hurting, they each know how to encourage.
3. Our children know how to laugh!
Tracy is the one who really taught us all how to find humor, even in the most difficult circumstances. Especially this last year, during chemo treatments for his cancer, he kept our spirits up this way. And it wasn't just us. He did it with his caregivers as well.
Even the most emotionally charged family events are easier. One family night Tracy ran things like a mock Senate. As he recognized each "Senator from..." so that she/he could have the floor to speak our moods were lightened and we dealt with serious business in a wonderfully entertaining way. Recently Tracy sent me a text that stated simply, "The only thing to fear is scary things..." Laughter has diffused many escalating situations in our home.
2. They know we couldn't have done it without them.
Lucky for them, neither Tracy or I are superheroes. We have only been able to accomplish what we have as a family because our kids were so involved. When we lived in California and I was teaching preschool and volunteering in parenting programs as well as early morning seminary, and Tracy was commuting 3 hours a day to and from work, our kids kept the housework and a lot of the cooking done. If you had asked one of them "Are you an important part of your family?" They would have responded "What, are you kidding?! My family would never make it without me!!" They buy their clothes, do their laundry, clean their rooms and thanks to the invention of Clorox Wipes many other surfaces as well! They don't always do their chores when they are supposed to but they have never refused when asked for help.
1. These kids know that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
The thing I was the least skilled in when I left home was the knowledge that mistakes are opportunities to learn. As a young adult and older I have been paralyzed at times by my mistakes. I never wanted to examine my weaknesses. I did a lot of "hiding" from them. As I have been willing to apologize and own my mistakes while parenting my children, they have seen me model that a mistake is only a stepping stone in getting where I am going. They know that my struggle with perfectionism has been ugly and hard. They are willing to learn from their mistakes without halting in the journey.
As much as I am going to miss them I am grateful that my kids are ready to fly...not perfect, remember? Just mostly ready.
Let's hope I am ready as well!
I didn't have a problem turning 40 a few years ago...unless you note that for several days after my birthday I was still typing in the age 39 on the eliptical machine at the gym. But when my oldest child turned 20-years-old earlier in the month I missed a few heartbeats because of stress. How can she be two decades old?! Have I taught her enough? Is she really ready for the big, bad world? Then I started thinking about my oldest son, moving more than 250 miles away from home at the end of the Summer. He will have one year away at school and then be leaving for his mission. Is he ready? Can he cope?
And this is what I decided. My children are going to be ready enough. This is why:
The Top Ten Reasons Why The Beck Kid's Are Ready for Take-Off
10. They know how to communicate with others.
- At the age of two, Ashley put two hands on either side of her father's face, turned him toward her and shouted, "Attention!!" When Ashley was four my mother commented: "Ashley is so easy to watch: you just do exactly what she says!" As a preschooler she used to quote entire Disney movies in the back seat of the car. And she was known to point to you and demand: "You say this...." until everyone in the room was having the conversation she wanted.
- When my shy boy Stephen was in sixth grade I mentioned in parent-teacher conferences that I hoped he wasn't too timid with others. The teacher started to laugh and told me that he was annoying all of the kids who were seated at his table because he sang out loud all of the time. He may not have a lot to say in normal conversation, but he will talk for hours with a tune and a guitar.
- We decided when Matthew was very small that any carjacker who took off with Matthew in the backseat would soon tire of all of the wee lad's questions and observations, spin the car back around, and beg us to take it--and our son--back. When he goes on vacations without me I spend frustrated episodes on the internet trying to find out information that he could have told me in a matter of seconds.
- Kirstin will tell you exactly what she thinks. When I was crabby recently about having to buy treats for one of her classes at school (the teacher "punished" the losing team in a contest by requiring them) she went to school the next day and told him "My mother is mad at you." He was apparently chagrined. And I was horrified/pleased that she can say what I don't have the guts to when someone is in a position of authority.
Our kids don't have as much life experience as Tracy and I do, but they are, and always have been, our social equals. I could count on one hand the times one of us has shouted, "Because I told you to....!" One of my children pointed out to me a few weeks ago in the car, "I really don't think you showed me respect this morning when you said... (episode details withheld, out of respect for privacy) It was wonderful to hear. I apologized, agreed, and rephrased my request.
We have purposely tried to discipline our children with kindness and firmness at the same time. It has created some wonderful things.
8. Our kids know that their opinion matters
We believe strongly in family council. Seems like it was a pretty big deal in the premortal family model and my kids have truly come to know that problems are solved as a family unit. To be perfectly honest, the solutions that the children have come up with in this family are so much more creative, effective and meaningful than ideas that their parents offered. Even when they were very young their solutions to problems left us amazed.
7. We have tried to teach problem-solving skills
My favorite experience is when, in the middle of a conflict, one of my family turns to me and says "Stop reflective listening!!!" For the most part, these kids know how to listen...how to show someone else that they want to understand what they are saying. And then to watch things cool down to a place where they are brain-storming possible solutions to a problem. The only time this kind of thing has gotten me into trouble was when one of my grade-schoolers would turn to me, furious, and yell "Don't use that parenting skills stuff on me!" I learned to not preface things by saying "In class we teach parents..."
6. I have internalized and used an understanding of the Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Behavior.
Once I was taught that children want love and attention from their parents but will misbehave to get it; finding out that children and parents get stuck competing for power; being clear about children acting out in revenge; and occasionally witnessing assumed disability--when a child completely shuts down--I could focus on what our children were really looking for and find ways to change their inappropriate behaviors. Seriously, if I had never known about these things I would have often assumed that my children hated me or at least wanted to hurt me.
5. We understand something about "social interest"
As explained by Alfred Adler, a psychologist from the 1800s, children want to belong and are motivated into action by that strong desire. It explains why kids join gangs, why they fall with peer pressure, why they want to please. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. What an amazing thing for me to learn. Made it really clear to me why positive discipline was a better idea than punishment.
4. Encouragement is the most effective tool of all.
We have two choices: to strip our kids of courage (discouragement) or to fill them up with courage (encouragement). I think it has been enough years that our kids kind of do this automatically. That is, if they can avoid the Beck sarcasm. Did this come from the Nelsons or Bradys? Actually I think it was the Partridge Family!! Unfortunately that is an automatic response for them, but when the chips are down and people are really hurting, they each know how to encourage.
3. Our children know how to laugh!
Tracy is the one who really taught us all how to find humor, even in the most difficult circumstances. Especially this last year, during chemo treatments for his cancer, he kept our spirits up this way. And it wasn't just us. He did it with his caregivers as well.
Even the most emotionally charged family events are easier. One family night Tracy ran things like a mock Senate. As he recognized each "Senator from..." so that she/he could have the floor to speak our moods were lightened and we dealt with serious business in a wonderfully entertaining way. Recently Tracy sent me a text that stated simply, "The only thing to fear is scary things..." Laughter has diffused many escalating situations in our home.
2. They know we couldn't have done it without them.
Lucky for them, neither Tracy or I are superheroes. We have only been able to accomplish what we have as a family because our kids were so involved. When we lived in California and I was teaching preschool and volunteering in parenting programs as well as early morning seminary, and Tracy was commuting 3 hours a day to and from work, our kids kept the housework and a lot of the cooking done. If you had asked one of them "Are you an important part of your family?" They would have responded "What, are you kidding?! My family would never make it without me!!" They buy their clothes, do their laundry, clean their rooms and thanks to the invention of Clorox Wipes many other surfaces as well! They don't always do their chores when they are supposed to but they have never refused when asked for help.
1. These kids know that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
The thing I was the least skilled in when I left home was the knowledge that mistakes are opportunities to learn. As a young adult and older I have been paralyzed at times by my mistakes. I never wanted to examine my weaknesses. I did a lot of "hiding" from them. As I have been willing to apologize and own my mistakes while parenting my children, they have seen me model that a mistake is only a stepping stone in getting where I am going. They know that my struggle with perfectionism has been ugly and hard. They are willing to learn from their mistakes without halting in the journey.
As much as I am going to miss them I am grateful that my kids are ready to fly...not perfect, remember? Just mostly ready.
Let's hope I am ready as well!
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