The Ultimate Fantasy: Edward the Fat-Sucking Vampire

I don't mean to be critical because truly, I love Edward, the vampire, like most women do. Not quite as much as my sister does, but her husband's name is Edward so for her fantasy and reality are all kind of all mixed up. But I would be the most devoted fan that Stephanie Myer could ever hope for if she could just make one small change in the Twilight Series: instead of sucking blood, Edward the vampire ingests fat cells from his victims. Seriously, although it is never mentioned that she needs it, Bella and every other woman on the planet we call Earth would love him so much more.

Please don't think I am critical. I am sure that Sister Myer is a gifted writer. Maybe she was just overly concerned about reaching the largest audience possible. I mean every woman has blood, right? I wouldn't want her to lose the support of skinny women who wouldn't have bonded with Bella if she was fat. But the ultimate fantasy book would have you fall in love with not only the most handsome and caring of men, like Edward, but a man who left you even better off than he found you, a man who made you even more beautiful after his understandably-selfish-draining of your body. After all, how a woman successfully loses weight is the most amazing secret that all of her friends and acquaintances try to unveil. A whole new level of intrigue would be created as other characters in the story attempted to solve the mystery of Bella's new phat (pretty hot and tempting) body.

Come to think of it, I don't remember chocolate being a big part of the story. What fantasy story has reached its full capacity with a chocolate-free story line?! If Edward periodically lipo-ed Bella's fat cells she could enjoy a whole new guilt-free appreciation of unquanified amounts of high-calorie desserts. As my friend pointed out to me today desserts is "stressed" spelled backwards. Imagine a story line where Bella has highly reduced amounts of stress and highly increased amounts of chocolate consumption. I don't even know if women in our society are prepared for the kind of thrilling fantasy that this kind of story-line would offer.

"Lying in bed, after consuming her third serving of chocolate mousse, Bella drifted into a restless and troubled sleep. She was awakened by the kiss of the Summer breeze from her open window. Strains of a hauntingly beautiful melody flowed through her mind, keeping her from retrieving the full-clarity of consciousness. Lulled by music and comforted by the chocolate haze, she slowly became aware of him, reclining on the mattress beside her. Slowly, she opened her eyes, and her vision was filled with his beauty. How he could want her, in her state of ultimate weakness, she couldn't know. But when he left, they would both be satisfied. He, because her greatest weakness made him strong. And she, because submission meant that she too, would have been transfigured into unqualified perfection..."

Sigh...it is time to make dinner for my ungrateful family. I can't eat because my weigh-in is at the end of the week. The closest thing I have in the pantry to Bella's dessert is chocolate pudding, the kind you have to stir and stir and stir while it cooks. The haunting music in my house is my twelve-year-old practicing the clarinet and if I tried to fall asleep with my bedroom window open I'm pretty sure the snow predicted for later this evening would blow in.

But I know what I am going to dream of tonight, after falling asleep much too late and anticipating the blaring rock music that acts as the alarm to pull me out of tomorrow morning's warm bed. I am going to dream of Edward, my Edward. And of his beautiful face as he thanks me for sustaining his life with my compassionate donation. Wish me luck as I stumble into the bathroom, turn on the light, and catch the full vision of my true physique.

Don't feel too sorry for me, though. There will always be tomorrow night. And another chance to dream of the time I spend with Fantasy Edward, the fat-sucking vampire.

Laugh, if you want. Someday I will write a novel...